Stuff.

drew out my feelings
#arttherapy

I have been in too many tight-spots where I find myself packing everything up last minute, all my belongings (and myself) ending up in a big sweaty rubble, unable to quite squeeze in the boxes or vehicle I envisioned happening with ease, with my only emotion being sheer panic. I am determined: THIS WILL NOT BE ONE OF THOSE MOVES. So I’m starting early.

This little flat has been the first home I could really call my own, the first place where all the things in it (including my roommate) I call mine. We made this ours. It’s not easy to say goodbye, and even though downsizing is one of the things I count as a ‘pro’ in the decision to move Up North, I find that thought “but I could use that someday!” haunting me more than I would like it to.

Stuff Stuff Stuff.

Lately I get frustrated moving it all around, making new different piles out of the old piles, but not DOING anything, just shuffling it around, and I get claustrophobic and I think, JUST BURN ALL IT WITHOUT ME LOOKING.

I once read of a couple who would purposely damage any item they bought (took a hammer to dent up their brand-new car,) just to keep themselves from turning into materialists. I understand the appeal in that because it is disconcerting to feel this connected to inanimate objects. I don’t want that to have power over me. I want to use the things of this world without being engrossed in them.

This might sound silly to some people or extreme to others, but it is actually occupying a lot of my thoughts: What kind of treasure am I storing up for myself? Shouldn’t I be okay if ALL of it was gone?

I’ve always been afraid of living a passive “default” kind of life where my ambitions naturally begin to boil down to making a safe place for myself to live and breathe and keep my stuff, then getting more stuff until I die. The parable of the Rich Fool in Luke 12 speaks loudly to me:
This is what I'll do. I will tear down my barns and build bigger ones, and there I will store my surplus grain. And I'll say to myself, 'You have plenty of grain laid up for many years. Take life easy; eat, drink, and be merry.'
But God said to him, 'You fool! This very night your life will be demanded from you. Then who will get what you have prepared for yourself?'
This is how it will be with whoever stores up things for themselves but is not rich toward God.
What does it mean to be "rich toward God" or "store up treasures in heaven"? I want these to be the questions burning in my heart as I purge my belongings this move instead of "how can I live without this thing?"

A Place to Rest and be Renewed

Amanda and Matt resting at Cedar Campus, 2013

I have decided to keep a blog in order to update people in a more thorough manner than my instagram.

In this first one I will be trying to manage the difficult task of concisely summing up why Travis and I decided to move ourselves to Michigan’s Upper Peninsula to work at Intervarsity’s Cedar Campus for a year.

I can pin-point a moment of clarity well-over a year ago, months before Travis and I were engaged. We were taking a short walk and talking about the future, our current situations, and what might come of our dreams. I remember well what I told Travis on that walk,

“I am aching for a place of physical peace. I’ve been submerged in environments of constant interruption and violent stress… I long for somewhere to rest, where I can focus."

In my life experiences, going to a lonely place sometimes is crucial. The Lord has done some work in me to understand that “taking a break” should not be undervalued or demeaned as laziness or escapism. In reality, it is an important part of the battle and I am lead to believe it is the better thing for the time being.

Not to say that moving to Cedar Campus will be “taking a break”, because I am sure that both Travis and I will be working very hard. Even so, it was the peacefulness of what I remember of my experiences at Cedar that drew me to it, and this February when I saw an old letter while cleaning out my car with their slogan “A place to meet God and be Renewed”. Travis and I decided to move forward with applying

The past few years have been rather difficult for me in my walk with Jesus Christ. I have not had time or space or the ability to know how to process some very deep wounds of ugly, painful, brokenness in which have been entrenched. A detox from some of the poisonous work-environments would be cool too--where I could count on leadership to care about my growth. I confess I have not been able to pray like how my heart once knew, and there is an awful lot of bitterness where I wish there was hope. 

Years ago when I had similar needs, God called me to work at a summer camp, and it was there I remembered what it was like to ABIDE. God took me away to learn that.

After a season of e-mails, prayers, journaling, applications, discussing, interviews, more prayers, and finally a job-offer, we decided to take the opportunity.

Phew.

And so far, I've only described my side of this process. It is also the biggest thing Travis and I have decided collectively since our decision to marry each-other, and Travis has his individual reasons in addition to my leanings. We hope it will be good for both of us in:

1. Practice working for the same people/ being in ministry together
2. Downsizing (we both value living simply, and want to live up to our values)
3. Helping Travis prepare for future opportunities by expanding his media tools and marketing skills

So why not do these things right here on the West Side of Grand Rapids where we are?

The simple answer I have reached in prayer is that this year is to be a time that is set aside as something special. I will be working in ‘guest services’ which I have surmised will include a lot of cleaning, laundry, physical labor days. In the monastic manner, I hope to give as I seek--to worship, to serve, to love God from the depths of my heart as I collect dirty sheets or scrub down bathrooms. I need to re-learn to make Jesus my direct source. Even though I know it is possible to have this attitude anywhere, there is something special in giving a whole year to the purpose of seeking God where the distractions are far fewer and air a little clearer. I can hear my favorite voice calling,

“Come away with me…”

So here I come.

PS…

If you would like to know more about Cedar Campus and what we do, here is the website!

http://cedar.intervarsity.org/

If you want to see a cool short video Travis made for fun of our memories at Intervarsity’s Chapter Focus Week up at Cedar our last year there together, check it out!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wTdxiMXl6hw

Oh, the memories :)